Old Posts - November 2001

	Thursday Nov 29th 8:30pm by Brian -

I might as well step up to the plate and post two days in a row. That is some kind of record of recent. First, Dumbfuck #9 confirmed that he graduated from the University of Texas with a degree in English. I made the necessary correction on his page. Next, Adam sent us an addition to our Toasts collection. His is #10 under Toasts for Guys. And finally, I know finals are coming up, and everyone is looking for something to do to rationalize a study break. So, I figured I would compile a list of things you can do in lieu of studying. I will be updating this list with each post. download Toxic OS v.04 Stuff to Do in Lieu of Studying 1. Go to CandyStand.com and play some Flash based games. This is also an effective way to get through hour and fifty minute long engineering classes. 2. Go to the nearest coffee house with a <insert subject name> book in your hand for a few hours. Take some friends with you to "help you study." Then, come back and tell all your friends that you were studying <insert subject name> for a few hours. This will make you look studious. 3. Learn how to damn the man 1960's style and read Abbie Hoffman's Steal This Book. I figured TamUt.com needed to host its own copy.

I too have been getting lazy with my posting, and so I figured I should gather up some stuff of interest for the TamUt.com people. First, I completed Jokes Archive #19. This is the first Jokes Archive in forever. Make sure and read this one. It reminds me of good ol' Drunken Short Story #1. Also, make sure and read about the Hotel for Women Only. That is the fucking money.

Next, here is something that I thought was pretty cool and some people might like. BobDylan.com offers every Bob Dylan song for download. They aren't in too bad of quality either. I just thought it was pretty nice for him to offer all of his music like that.

Finally, make sure and keep voting for Texas/Texas A&M. The poll appears to not be functioning now, but that is how most of ESPN.com's ends up at some point. Voting is supposed to run until December 2nd.

Well it's getting to the end of the semester and the project and tests are starting to add up. Which means I got less time to post entertaining material. So what do I do? Post jokes:

19 Things Not To Say To The Nice Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

9. I pay your salary.

10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.

15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far they are ahead of me.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Rivalry Week is over. The best team did win. However, someone still thought they should argue with some of the comments that "I" made. Sadly, this person could not find intelligent thought if it broadsided the short bus he was riding inside. Without further delay, I bring you Dumbfuck #9. His comments just made my head hurt. After I shot down his first argument, he went off on some wild tangent. I seriously hope this guy isn't a UT grad although he claims to be.

The results of the last poll were just a tad inaccurate. Then again, someone pointed out to me today that online polls don't have any effect on the actual game. Too bad. The new poll is up. I voted no only because I don't think Miami or Florida will lose. Of course, no one thought OU would lose to OSU, and that's why they play the games.

Click here and vote for Texas/TexasA&M. We are in the finals for the best rivalry against Army/Navy.

Ok, that's the end of rivalry week. It was good fun as always. With another year of braggin rights.

Moving along... you know what pisses me off? I don't know if any of you listen to rap, but if you ever download a rap song off the internet you get like a 50/50 chance of getting a damn DJ Clue mix. Who the hell is DJ Clue? I don't know. But he sure fucks up a lot of good songs. You can always tell if he's put a mix on a song if you hear someone yelling shit that echos about 6 times in spots in the song that there shouldn't be words. Just fucks up the whole song. Makes me so damn mad b/c I have to download about 3 versions of the song just to get a good version. Anyone else have this problem?

All posts below this are from rivalry week.

5) You want to lose the image of country bumpkins, of a people fond of sheep, of people that aren't stupid? Then quit building things that fall down. Quit chasing cheerleaders around with swords on national television. Quit whooping in church. Quit whooping period. Quit putting up scoreboards for the enjoyment of dead mammals. Quit spending your Friday nights practicing how to yell. Quit telling rape jokes to reporters when you're running for Governor. When you are filling out your season ticket renewals, and the form asks for your - Phone #, H & W: - Quit putting 258-3999, Height6'3, Weight 185. Just, collectively, stop making asses of yourselves. Go to East Texas, tour every small town, and ask every red neck with a 5th grade education why they cheer for A&M and wear maroon. That is your fan base. This is why you are perceived by the educated masses as stupid.

6) Nobody cares if you think your band is better. They might be louder, they might march in neat little zig zags, but they have no musical ability. The point is, nobody cares 'who wins halftime'. Quit getting geeked up about marching bands. I find it hard to believe you stood through your high school band's entire halftime performance. And why? Cause nobody cared then, and nobody cares now. Plus, you can hear them fine sitting down even if you do care. Why is it cool all of a sudden now that you're in college?

7) Dogs are not ladies. They don't look or smell like ladies. Dogs eat their own feces and should be treated accordingly.

8) Finally. College Station is an arm-pit of a town. Quit pretending that it is a great college town. It is a town, and there is a college there. That should be the end of this comparison. If you feel that life doesn't get any better than the Dixie Chicken, and enjoy being stuck in a never ending 'Dukes Of Hazard' episode, then move there. More importantly, don't move to Austin........we are trying to create an educated, technological, and open minded population base. Austin is, and will continue to be, the birthplace and final resting place of all that is cool.

"If the world were ever to get an enema, College Station is where you would connect the hose." If you go to school at A&M, please don't be an aggie.

7) You want to lose the image of homosexual environmentalists, of a people fond of anal penetration, of people that aren't wacked out on drugs? Then quit taping drunk frat boys to trees. Quit chasing steers around with pooper-scoopers on national TV. Quit dying your hair purple and wearing fishnet stockings. Quit smoking weed. Quit doing drugs period, and that includes the football team. Quit getting tattoos of your homo lover on your arm. Quit spending your Friday nights practicing how to violate young boys. When you are filling out season ticket renewals, and the form asks for your phone #, H & W, quit putting 258-3999, Homo: Yes, Weed Smoker: Yes.

Just, collectively, stop making asses of yourselves. Go to San Francisco, tour every gay neighborhood, and ask every homo with a college education why they cheer for UT and wear burnt orange. That is your fan base. This is why you are perceived by the educated masses as homos.

8) Nobody cares if you think your band is better. They might wear Howdy Doody hats, they might wear frilly little orange unis, but they have no musical ability.

The point is, nobody cares about gay band uniforms. Quit getting geeked up about orange frills. I find it hard to believe you got excited about homo band geeks in high school. And why? Cause nobody cared then and nobody cares now. Why is it cool all of a sudden now that you're in college?

Yea, well you say that you just have to look in the right spots? Well it's not so hard in Austin that you have to go hunting just to find a group of hotties.

The guy who runs AgDrinkSpecials.com sent his un a few of his comments. Make sure and check out this site since it does include pics of multiple hot Aggie women from various clubs in Aggieland.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I was reading the rants, and it was obvious that #4 from Jim Rome was an intentional copy of the real #4, modified to look like it was against t.u., but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. It just goes to show that those t.u. boys don't have any damn common sense, therefore requiring one of them that could actually figure this out and find the real version, to go ahead and make that clear to the rest of his lowly sheep.

Now about the fine ass women... Anybody that wants to argue that there aren't any hot women here must have their head up their ass. And I'm not talking about a few... HORDES. To the t.u. fratdaddies, did it ever cross your mind that maybe, just MAYBE, you aren't smart enough to know where to look? If all you've seen are fucked up women, then obviously you are looking in all the fucked up places ... hence, I will give you that you're used to that sort of thing where you're from.

More from the copied rant...

5) The point is: We all respect Miami, Florida State, Tennessee; however, nobody respects UT. I imagine they are kind of the laughing stock of the college football world. Just because you dress like a good football team, and try and act like a good football team, does not make you a good football team. People in Austin don't even respect these clowns. It is not cool to bench the Big XII Player of the Year for some overhyped pansy. Halloween is only supposed to be one day of the year. If you want dress up like a big time quarterback and then suck, move to San Diego.5) It is even less cool to slobber all over yourself in a drunken stupor on national television and call it a tradition. Dry humping 18 year old boys at football games is also not cool. Not only is it not cool, it should be against the law. I know that in Austin, students are just prone to mount each other on the campus lawn, or in the middle of class, or anytime anything good happens you can just grab the young man sitting next to you and start sucking on his face. But everywhere else in the world, it is looked down upon. Especially if you are doing it on my TV. That is why we have moved the game from Thanksgiving. Because people across the nation were gagging on their turkey when in the middle of watching a football game, some frat boy is tongue-thrashing some boy scout during somebody's Thanksgiving dinner. We do not need to see burly men engaged in a suckfest every time Chris Simms completes a pass. Some of these young men are in desperate need of a good counselor. Screw that, forget counseling, it is too late for that, just give them a good ass-wooping.

6) "eaTme" is not funny. It is NOT insulting. It is dumb. Just imagine if folks from A&M kept talking about "bUTts" and giggling. That would not be funny. In fact, it would be retarded. That's why A&M fans don't do it. Please learn.

Got a rant in today from a guy that doesn't even go to UT. Makes some good points though:

I figured that the people that don't go to either UT or TAMU needed to be heard. I fall in that category, yet I do follow UT football. And you know why? Because it's THE state school. TAMU is the state school when it comes to agriculture, just as LCC is when it comes to technology (atleast, in theory), but neither is THE state school of Texas, that's something that A&M can never claim to be.

And, I have alot of friends that go to both schools, but whenever I talk to one that goes to A&M, they almost always say something to diss "t.u." However, my friends that go to UT only say something about A&M when something is said about their school first. It's as if A&M is out to prove that UT isn't a good school.

HOOK 'EM HORNS!
--
Dustin Speyrer


Collegehumor.com Campus Rep
Univerity of St. Thomas, Houston

God, whichever faggie tried to manipulate the "Jim Rome" rant so that the subject is UT instead of A&M did a poor-ass job. I mean Jesus, if you are going to completely plagiarize someone else's work at least make it sound good. It's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. You can see the first part of the real rant at the bottom of the UT side. Here's how the rest of the rant really goes.

4) The people at A&M. Now we all have friends who went to A&M or are at A&M. There are some nice people there. However......there is the Corp. East Texas' answer to dreams of ROTC kids everywhere. For every boy scout who never learned to stop playing with his GI Joe toys, there is the Corp. Now,forget the fact that A&M will actually let people with sub-par grades enroll if they agree to join the Corp. Forget the fact that the Corp looked like a Gestapo hate rally when beating down students (including one instance of tackling and punching a young girl) on Kyle Field in 1995. Forget the fact that along with the numerous hazing charges that have been filed against them, and swept under the rug over the years, they just this past month have had one Corp member bring charges against another Corp member who apparently had been propositioning others for a little anal sodomy. Not only could I go on with more instances of idiocy by these Khaki-clad-shaven-headed-dorks, I am sure each of you have your own stories.

5) Men should never let out high-pitched whooping sounds. Perhaps the only justifiable situation in which this can be tolerated is perhaps during an anal probe. Oh wait........I understand now.

To go further off on a tangent about that rant, we really don't care that much about football. I mean do you really hear me say anything about our team at all? The only thing you usually hear is "hey, how about that ass whooping," and that's about it. That poor excuse for a rant mistakes UT students for public TV announcers who constantly ramble on about our players.

I looked through my pics, and I realized that I don't take enough pics of the large groups of hot women. I have really dropped the ball there, but large groups of hot women at A&M do exist.

Time for some more ranting by "Jim Rome.">

3) So they apparently have this complex, so much so, that they must devote their entire school to trying to prove to the world that their football team doesn't suck. All the while, nobody in the nation denies that they don't suck, but they won't shut up. So they scream and yell....about? ....OU sucking, even though they are the ones who actually won the national championship. They have a *** Camp for freshman where they tell them Mack Brown is God, Roy Williams is Jesus, and Chris Simms is the second coming of John Elway. It is the world's largest known case of mass delusion, and it is manifested in everything UT does.

4) The people at UT. Now we all have friends who went to UT or are at UT. There are some nice people there. However...there are the homos. Central Texas' answer to dreams of confused kids everywhere. For every boy scout who never learned to stop playing with his scout mates, there is UT. Now, forget the fact that UT will actually let people with sub-par grades enroll if they admit to being homo. Forget the fact that the homos looked like a Gestapo hate rally while protesting about Bush beating Gore in 2000. Forget the fact that along with the numerous sodomy charges that have been filed against them, and swept under the rug over the years, they just this past month have had one homo bring charges against another homo who apparently had been propositioning straight men on campus for a little sodomy. Not only could I go on with more instances of idiocracy by these leather-pants-clad-curly-headed-dorks, I am sure each of you have your own stories.

Ok, I agree there are some nice looking girls at A&M but I'm talking about large groups of fine ass women. Just can't find them there.

There are some fucked up women at every school. However, we have quite a supply of hot women at A&M. Erin and Kate, Brooke, Em, and Lindsay are just a few examples. Also, let's not forget about the reigning Miss USA, Kandace Krueger, and Playboy's Kim Hiott.

Time for some words from "Jim Rome." Hey, if the internet says it is by Jim Rome, then it must be right.

1) They won't shut up. They have to go on about Chris Simms, and Mack Brown, and National Recruiting championships, and how Roy Williams is the best player in the nation according to Mel Kiper and blah blah blah. Shut up. You start to get the feeling the entire school was built to build up unnecessary hype about the football team.

2) Forget the fact that when the Texas Legislature back in the 1870's passed legislation to start a state university, they also decided to have a subsidiary branch of the main school (Texas A&M University)that would teach liberalism, feminism, and environmentalism. Horns love to say their school is older, from where they get that I don't know... the fact is, the State intended UT to be a branch of A&M. They are like the afterbirth from the original creation. Like Danny Devito in "Twins".

Ok, you want a rant from me about A&M? Girls. Good looking girls. Or at least a lack thereof in College Station. Now don't get me wrong there's some fine women at A&M but percentage-wise there just seem to be more fucked up looking girls. Well not necessarily fucked up looking, but kind of ragged out country tom boys. Maybe there's just some secret hiding place that all women get locked up at, but I haven't seen it. Or come within miles of it either since I ain't seen a big group of fine women.

More from other sources:
t.u. is not funny. It is NOT insulting. It is just dumb. Just imagine if folks from Texas kept talking about M&A, and giggling. That would not be funny. In fact, it would be retarded. That's why we don't do it. Please learn.

It is not less cool to slobber on somebody's daughter on national television and call it a tradition. Dry humping 18 year old girls in the stands at football games is not cool. Not only is it not cool, it should be against the law. I know that in College Station, students are prone to just mount each other on the campus lawn, or in the middle of class, or any time anything good happens you can just grab the girl next to you and start sucking on her face. But everywhere else in the world, it is looked down upon. Especially if you are doing it on my TV. That is why we had to move the game from Thanksgiving. Because people across the nation were gagging on their turkey when in the middle of watching a football game, some boy scout is tongue thrashing some overweight co-ed during somebody's Thanksgiving dinner. We do not need to see burly women engaged in a suckfest every time your woeful offense manages to put points on the board. Some of these girls are in desperate need of a trip to the Clinique counter. Screw that, forget make-up, it is too late for that, just give them a veil.

If you have any submissions to talk shit about the Faggies, send them to webmaster@tamut.com. Any rants rants about U.T. sent to this address may somehow get lost.

Go to TrueRival.com and check out the sweet flash intro made by Kurt. Even liberal, pot-smoking hippies can enjoy this.

If you have some good shit to talk about t.u., send it to TypingMonkey@tamut.com, and I'll put it here.

Ahh, it's that time of the year again in Texas. The humidity has dropped below 90%. Old Man Winter is chilling us to the bone with 70-degree temperatures. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. And, of course, the annual A&M-t.u. game is next Friday. Unfortunately for the Longhorns, the only turkeys they will see this year will be when they look in the mirror after getting slaughtered at Kyle Field.

With pretty-boy Simms as captain of the Longhorn ship (appropriately named the U.S.S. Overrated), the Ags are sure to whip t.u. like a red-headed stepchild. Simms may be touted as the shining star of the t.u. squad, but the only thing of Simms that will be shining after next Friday will be the chrome rims on his Cadillac. It'll be a long and embarrassing drive back to Austin, but thanks to the generosity of Daddy Simms, at least Chris's butt will be comfortably snuggled in the leather of his Escalade. Daddy Simms may splurge and buy Chris a car worthy of a B-grade rap video, but no amount of money will buy t.u. a win against the Ags. I'm sure Brent Musberger will comfort Simms after the defeat, though. After all, Musberger IS his biggest fan. And when I say "fan", I mean "gay stalker".

History is an interesting subject. Past trends tend to predict future performances. That's good news for the Ags, because t.u. has been spanked the last 3 of 4 times at Kyle Field. But t-sips have a problem grasping the concept of history. I'd say it's due to the t.u. professors. When they're not on FOXNEWS blaming America for the September 11th attacks and being publicly ridiculed by their own University president, they're spoonfeeding neo-Marxist propaganda to the ignorant Abercrombie and Fitch-clad masses in History 101. Perhaps if the t-sips can drag themselves away from the latest anti-war or pro-hemp protest on the West Mall, they can make the trip to College Station and witness their football team execute a Taliban-like retreat.

Of course, the Ags are expecting the t-sip fans to be true to form, which means airborne beer bottles, petty insults, and random tire slashings after their crushing defeat. Perhaps another beating will be in store for the drunken t.u. frat daddies who feel like trespassing on Kyle Field and taking on 2,000 sabre-toting Corps members. Obviously those Herculean t-sips were the best and brightest of the bunch.

When all is said and done, the Ags will go celebrate another victory at Kyle Field, and the t-sippers who have managed not to be arrested for vandalism or public intoxication will pile into their VW Beetles, fire up the water bong, and slowly crawl back to Austin on Highway 21 with their collective tails between their legs. But the pain of losing will soon be erased in the minds of most t.u. students. That's the beauty of dope.

Jon

They won't shut up. They have to go on about spirit, and dogs,and old army, and red ass, and how bonfire represents the burning sensation they have in their urine to beat U.T., and blah bah blah. Shut up. You start to get the feeling their entire school was built to spite U.T. Forget the fact that when the Texas Legislature back in the 1870's passed legislation to start a state university they also decided to have a subsidiary branch of the main school (University of Texas) that would teach agriculture and mechanics. Ags love to say their school is older,from where they get that I don't know.........the fact is, the State intended A&M to be a branch of U.T. They are like afterbirth from the original creation. Like Danny Devito in 'Twins'. So they apparently have this complex,so much so, that they must devote their entire school to trying to prove to U.T. that they are just as good. All the while, nobody at U.T. denies that A&M is a good school, yet they won't shut up. So they write a fight song.......about?.......Texas, and how they want to beat us. They have a Fish camp for Freshman where they tell them how bad Texas is and how good A&M and all its traditions are. It is the worlds longest known case of penis envy, and it is manifested in everything A&M does.

All posts above this post are from the TamUt.com Rivalry week. Such that we talk shit about our formerly joined schools.