Jokes Archive # 19

News Flash ... Norman OK

Norman, Oklahoma (AP)
Oklahoma University Athletic Director Joe Castiglione announced today that due to recent developments, the renovations at Owen Field are well ahead of schedule and will come in under costs. Seems over 71,000 fans shit a brick during the fourth quarter of the bedlam football game, providing the necessary materials to begin work right away.

Quotes

(1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Steven Seagal

(2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
* Jeff Foxworthy

(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
* Dave Barry

(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Pittman

(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger

(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
* Paula Poundstone

(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "duh."
* Conan O'Brien

(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I could be eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery

More Quotes

(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
* Roseanne

(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni

(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson

(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez

(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
* Jerry Seinfeld

(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson

(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
* Oscar Wilde

(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet." * Mae West

(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain

Even More Quotes

(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
* A. Whitney Brown

(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

(23) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
* Dave Barry

(24) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
* George Carlin

(25) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
* Author Unknown

(26) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

(27) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
* Drew Carey

The Horseback Riding Blonde

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. Thank God for heros.

Memorandum

Friday, November 16, 2001 @ 8:17am

FM: Bin Laden, Osama
TO: All Cavemates
RE: The Cave

Hi guys.

We've all be putting in long hours lately but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no 'I' in 'team'" as well as the one that says "Hang in there baby." That cat is hilarious.

However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. Frankly, I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet at the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping please don't ride your razor scooters in the background ... just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth, food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently and clearly wrote "Osama" on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration, that's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Richard.

Love you lots.

O

A Matter of Taste

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?

The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

Marriage

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused, the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued..............

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

Cowboys

One late Saturday afternoon, a local west Texas cowboy had ridden his horse into the nearby town of Pecos and stopped at the local watering hole. While seated at the bar having a beer, in walked an old Indian and a devout Muslum, dressed with turban and all. Both persons went to the bar and took a stool on either side of the cowboy. Eventually, their conversation drifted around to their varying cultures, history and background.

The native American stated, "Once my people were many, but now we are few."

The Muslim then chimed in and said, "Once my people were few, but now we are many."

The cowboy glanced at the Indian a moment, then he looked directly at the Muslim and said with a sly grin, "That's cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

Hotel for Women Only

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works... "We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there." "It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside" So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read: "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the ! needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors so on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight" The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."