Drunk Stories

The Cleburne Incident

If you read the message board, you already know the high points of the story, but this tale needs telling anyway. This is one of those surreal evenings that you tell your grandkids about... well, your grandson about anyway. And so it begins...

One Friday night, I believe it was Christmas break of '99, my friends and I heard of a house we could go party at down in Cleburne. Now, you have to understand, Cleburne is a good 40 minutes from Arlington and there was serious debate over whether we wanted to drive that far to drink, not to mention driving home. Sure enough, true to our form, we made the sensible decision and made the drive. Accompanying me were Brian, Doc, Chick #1, and couple other guys. (A side note here: All the women in this story will remain anonymous. Partly to protect the innocent, but mainly because I don't remember the names.) When we got there, we pulled up to this old one bedroom house that had definitely seen better days.

Enter Chicks #2 and #3.

Now these girls... well, they're not exactly high class, but who are we to turn down free beer? (Just for a frame of reference here, these chicks are about 18 or 19 and while not that hot, they're not ugly either... The exception being Chick #1 who was with us. She is definitely hot.) So we're sitting there, drinking Bud Ice, and Chicks 2 and 3 start talking about the week before when Chick #2 got topless at the party. A few of my friends and I exchanged looks, little did we know that one topless chick would pale in comparison to the evening ahead. So anyway, an hour or so passes, people are getting liquored up, I spill a beer on myself, yada, yada, yada...

Cue the creepy guys.

Lest we think we were the only gentlemen vying for the attention of such a classy group of ladies, about 5 or so skeezy guys walk in carrying more beer. You know the guys I'm talking about... the ones that look destined for jail within 3 years of graduating high school. They had beer though, so they were okay in our book for the moment. If it weren't for the shock of these weird guys just walking into the house, we might have wondered how the hell this group of 18 year olds got beer. The mystery was solved when this weird old dude walked in with the last case. I don't know if it was the hobo they got to buy it or one of their dads or what but he proceeded to hang around for a while and weird us Arlington-folk out. Okay, on to the interesting part. All the while Chicks #2 and #3 are getting more and more trampy as they get drunk. And sure enough, as I'm walking to the bathroom I see Chick #3, who I think owns the house, topless making out on the bed with one of the skeezy dudes. Were they under the covers? Nope. Did they stop for all the passers by going to the bathroom? Hell no. Yada, yada, yada, more time passes and Chick #2 comes out into the living room topless too. She starts fawning all over the single guys among us and is generally hoin' it up for a while... Then Chick #1 goes down to just a bra, which was quite nice. Not the bra, the breasts.

Cue the making out.

Everyone is pretty well liquored up and has beer goggles galore. Chick #2 is running around making out with all my friends, Chick #1 is making out with 1 or 2 as well... Let me just say here and now that I had a girlfriend at the time and did not slip up once throughout the whole evening despite an assload of alcohol in my system and many willing womenfolk. That didn't keep me from taking in the sights though. Anyway, all the while those skeezy guys were there, not getting any play save the dude in the bed with Chick #3. You could just tell they wanted to kick our ass. We "college boys" were honing in on their hos. I'm still surprised they didn't try and start something. They might have left, I can't remember due to the excess of beer and breasts. Anyway, soon things started to get even more hectic as the situation in the bed started to turn into some sort of weird orgy. I know Chick #3 was in the bed almost the whole night. I think Chick #2 got in there sometimes, I know one of my acquaintances joined in. I didn't pay much attention to it as I went by to get to the bathroom. So there we were, orgy in the bedroom, Chick #2 making out with everyone, and then, in a moment of greatness, Chick #1 decided to do away with the bra and show off her bountiful attributes. It starts getting fuzzy here due to the alcohol, but I remember going to the bathroom and then tripping and falling to the ground as I came out. Next thing I know Chick #2 dove on top of me and started kissing the back of my neck. Luckily my friend was nearby and pulled her off before she could get a good hold on me. Anyway, a few of us were ready to leave, myself included. I figured it was best to leave and make sure I didn't do anything that I'd really regret later. Little did we know that leaving would take another half hour. Once we announced our departure, Chick #1 and #2 had to give everyone "goodbye kisses" which consisted of some major tonsil hockey. Oh, and did I mention that we were in the front yard? No? Well, we were. Topless chicks and all. This is what I missed growing up in Arlington: topless chicks in the front yard. Anyway, I was standing next to the car yelling at my friends, Brian the Typing Monkey included, to hurry the fuck up and finish making out. I was in a truck with Baylor Matt; Brian and Doc were in another car. We left our friend in the orgy bed and Chick #1 per their requests. Matt was having a little trouble driving due to his double vision. He put a hand over one eye and that corrected the situation. Sometime during the drive home Brian and Doc got a call from our friends we left at the house. Apparently, they sobered up some: orgy dude realized he did not want to catch an STD that night and Chick #1 did not want to be left around all those skeezy guys. At the time, Matt and I thought they were turning around to go get it on with the Chicks. That's pretty much it for the night... Kind of an anticlimactic ending, I know... Matt and I urinated on a church on the drive home, but that kind of sacrilege pales in comparison to the debauchery earlier in the evening.

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