Drunk Stories

Here's my classic drunk story, fellas...

I showed up to this big ass party at some guy's house. He has this huge backyard that stretches back to somewhere near Navasota, and it's filled with probably 600-700 underage, drunk Aggies. So my buddies and I are cruising from keg to keg, makin' the rounds, getting drunk, etc. This group of 4 hot-ass girls starts talking to me and my bud for awhile. These girls are trashed and falling all over themselves. All of a sudden the damn College Station PD shows up, and since they didn't have any "real" crimes to bust (jaywalking, etc.), they busted the kick-ass party. The 4 hotties disappeared quicker than Newt Gingrich at a Nation of Islam rally. So my buddies and I are left standing there, and the place is pretty empty since almost everyone was underage. So I decide to have a little fun with the cop, and as he walks up I look around really nervous, and then I chug my whole cup of beer in front of him. He asks for my ID, and I say, "Coming right up, occifer!". I had only had a couple beers at this point and wasn't feeling anything, so I was just kidding around with the cop. He gets this look on his face like he just passed a kidney stone and says, "Son, public intoxication is no laughing matter. Step over here please." He proceeds to give me a field sobriety test to see if I was drunk. I passed, and he threatens me with some more tough police-talk, and then takes off. So we leave the party and head to Northgate. We go to the Chicken and miraculously get a table next to some fat rednecks. Well, they made the dumb mistake of challenging us to a contest to see which table could drink more pitchers of beer, with the losers having to pay for all the winners' beer. So we're like, "Bring it on, Cletus!". Between the 4 of us we drank 9 pitchers of beer to the rednecks' 8 pitchers. The good thing was that we drank all of it for free since we won. The bad news was that we were all severely fucked up. So we walk (stumble) to the Dry Bean, which is a shot bar, and take a few shots. Then one of my buds pukes on the guy checking IDs at the door as we're leaving. Needless to say, he was a tad bit upset I remember laughing and telling the guy that I knew a great dry-cleaner in town, as my buddies pulled me out the door before we got all our asses kicked. So we're walking around Northgate, trying to remember where the car is parked, when lo and behold, we get harassed by some more College Station cops on bicycles. We are all clearly trashed, and so one of my friends is about to be arrested for public intoxication. Ironically, this was also the guy who was supposed to drive us home. So I reach into my bag of tricks, put on my most sober-looking face, and start telling the cops this bullshit story about how my friend is supposed to fly home the next day to see his grandmother, who is dying of cancer and has something like 2 weeks to live, and if he goes to jail he might never see her again, and he was all sad and that's why he was drinking, etc etc. Well, the cop bought it and let us all go. As we drive by, we honked and waved at the bike cops. All in all it was a good night.

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