Old Posts - January 2003

	Friday Jan 31st 12:10pm by Matt -

Ever since a close friend of mine got a DWI I've been avid believer (and participant) in the Designated Driver Program (DDP). And by DDP I mean the whole idea of not driving drunk at all. It'll just fuck your world up if you get DWI or kill someone drunk. xgworks FULL With that said, UT has an AWESOME DDP program where you can print off a voucher and get a free cab ride home from 6th street or wherever you are that night (only on Thurs-Sat). I've probably saved a few hundred dollars by now from using it every weekend. But last night, I had the biggest asshole, scum-of-the-earth cab driver ever. So I'm riding home with my friend Melody (on left) back to Melrose where we both live. The cabbie drops her off at her building and then drops me off a few buildings away in the same complex. I give the guy the voucher and he’s like, "I can’t take that, I’ve already made a stop and the voucher is only good directly to your home." I tell, "Yea, you stop 200 feet over there plus she had a voucher too, you want me to walk over there and get it?" He says, "Nope hers isn’t good anymore because I already dropped her off." Needless to say this a load of bullshit. I don’t have any cash to pay the fair so he calls the cops. 2 minutes later 3 police cars show up. (side note: You ever notice that cops always get there when quick when it’s something stupid, but if you have a break-in or something it takes then a few hours? Like this for example) So the 5 police officers surround me and interrogate the situation. They have no idea about the legality of the DDP program but they tell me that if he says that you owe him money that I have to pay or go to jail. I try to explain how the system works but the dickhead cops didn’t care. At this point, I’m surrounded by 5 cops, I’m drunk as hell, barely able to get a sentence out without having to make a second attempt to restructure the words to make sense. So I figure I’ll pay the fucking fair with plastic and see what can be done tomorrow. So I’m hot on the trail with the administration of the DDP program and the DDP director within Greater Austin Transportation Company about getting taxi cab driver 64203 in cab 36 fired or beaten or something involving as much misery as possible. If anything does actually happen, I’ll post the results. On a lighter note, our current poll has been at a dead even tie for the past week. To be honest I think that it should be refrigerated after opening. It just seems like it would grow mold or bacteria if it were sitting out. Anyone got a reliable source for one way or the other? Post it on the message board or email me.

So I was thinking of random funny things to do the other day and thought of a few great things to do on an elevator:

1. Pose as a hotel bell-boy. Whenever guests enter the elevator, ask which floor they want and then just push all the floors. Remain calm and relaxed as if that's what they asked you to do. To spice things up a little bit, call out the floor and the direction you are heading each stop. And by "call out" I mean "yell like a drill sergeant." (I hope they do this one on trigger happy)
   
   
2. This next idea requires a little planning ahead, or just good eating habits. Eat about 150 grams of protein or a few cans of beans the prior day to build up a terrific (or rather horrific) amount of methane in your system. Stand in the back of a busy elevator (preferably a busy lobby entrance in a tall downtown office building) and wait for a good crowd to fill up; hopefully a few going to the upper floors. Just as the elegantly decorated doors shut, punch all the buttons and just let one rip. Hope for a combination of the loud horn fart and the silent deadly type. Since you’re standing in the back of the elevator you’ll have to sort of push your way to the front to get off at your stop: the 2nd floor of the 50-story building. After your exit, turn around and stare at the filled elevator as the doors close. You can now enjoy the doom you have set upon the remaining passengers and wait for the next elevator up. If another passenger gets off with you (whether it’s just his stop or if he’s smarter than to stand in the cloud of stench), make sure you remark loud enough for all the remaining passengers to hear, “Man, I feel sorry for those guys,” and smile as the door closes.

Oh man, I kill me. Call me immature, but it took me about 15 minutes just to type that up because I was laughing so hard.

Anyway, put up a new poll, Bucs beat the Raiders (not they anyone cares), and Jon and I will someday have a story up about New York.

Last night was a pretty crazy night, but that's how it always is at the Whore House. It was one of the roomie's 21st, but since 79 people live there on some sort of rotating basis, I don't know which one it was. I even ran into a couple of friends that I hadn't seen in a few years. And as always at the Whore House, we have to do multiple group renditions of Piano Man. It gives you a chance to do some nice drunk singing and see all the clueless newbies who are unaware that music was made before 1998. You can see all the pics here.

Before all the festivities at the Whore House, I thought I would get my chance to stick to the man for giving me a ticket for parking in a handicapped space that was not properly marked. So I armed myself with a bundle of statutes, a stack of pictures, and quite possibly a little secret weapon called the pyramid card. And then the clerk told me that a my particular offense was a state law and to come back in June for my pre-trial conference. Instead of seeing her offer of a June pre-trial conference and raising her a trip to hell, I figured I'd follow the words on the sign and refrain from using profanity when speaking with the court clerks. Damn signs. Blocking up the scenery, breaking up my mind.

New Stuff

Yeah, yeah, I know it was been a while since I have posted. I guess I am still in Christmas break mode where my posts are as infrequent as a Tech girl turning down sex (Zing). The pic above is a submitted pic of the famous Lindsay and some other girl. This pic was one of many pics from some events at the Salty Dog that John sent in. The rest can be seen at the bottom of the Submitted Pics page. There are some really good pics in there, and I suggest you check them out.

Old Stuff That Needs To Be Posted Before I Forget Again

As always, when anyone gets a picture with the CARPOOL people, it has to go on the homepage. This pic was taken by Scott at one of our poker games last week. Note: If you work for the FBI or any agency known as "the man", then replace the phrase "poker game" with "counterfeit jeans operation". Oops, I guess that didn't help. I also added some stuff from past events. At the top of the New Years pic page, I added a link to a video of Matt P doing some Eazy-E lyrics. I don't know why, but that was really funny at the time. And at the bottom of the same page, I added some more pics from soon after the New Years time. As was appropriate, Zach and I took a pic that looks like we were fighting. Fortunately, this time we weren't actually fighting.

In case I get mugged and killed in NYC, I’m putting up one last post before we head out in the morning. Click here to see the pictures from last week’s parties.

REALITY with Jon Ray:

-DIANA-
She’s a self proclaimed “Out of shape, overweight Drama Geek” who knows it sounds shallow to say…that she yearns to be popular…to hang with the cool crowd…TO BE A CHEERLEADER. Three short months to train…for one giant tryout in August. It’s a summer that Diana…her drama friends…the cheerleaders and jocks…and the entire high school…will never forget. Why will they never forget this moment, you ask? BECAUSE IT'S TOTAL HORSESHIT!!! This was the theme for the first episode of MTV's new series MADE. This show, while bringing hope to a large population of confused teens, preaches lies as far as I'm concerned. MTV would have us believe that this overweight teenage "Drama Geek" can all of a sudden decide to be a cheerleader and POOF! in three months she's a cheerleader. I befriended many cheerleaders in my short but socially prosperous high school years and I will tell you that becoming a cheerleader is near impossible. I have seen drop dead gorgeous girls perform near flawless routines at cheerleading tryouts, only to meet the fowl stench of rejection once results were posted on the cheer gym wall. So, that's fine if MTV wants to use its overwhelming influence and political power to let a fat girl become a cheerleader, and I'm glad she finally has something that she's prowd of her self for. But it is a totally false sense of security. It does not take being a cheerleader to be popular. Nor do you have to be a Varsity athlete. Being popular is a state of mind. If you truly believe that you are popular, then you are. The hardest part of popularity is convincing yourself. Too often popularity is looked upon as a security blanket that will get rid of all your problems. But let me say something to those of you who think this way, you don't know what you're talking about. The only true way to become popular is to gain real self-esteem and then forget about what everyone else thinks about you. Those who are popular are the ones who make the trend, they don't ever have to worry about fitting in or acting a certain way because WHATEVER THEY DO IS KOOL!

P.S. This is our "too kool for school" hotel. Look for us on TV. We may not actually be popular, but we won't let anyone tell us we're not.

And a fortnight after the New Year, I decide to post the pics from the aforementioned event. Maybe I waited so long because I am lazy or maybe it was because hits are shitty during the Christmas break anyways. I'd say a little from Columnn A, a little from Column B. Anyways, Doc hosted his second annual New Year's party, and good times were had. This time, in contrast to last year's shindig, I can remember what happened, and I did not spar with anyone. Although my drunken antics of last year were not something to repeat, they sure did make for some good laughts the next day. For all the pics from Doc's New Years Party II, click here. Make sure and check out the animation too.

And for those of you that did not already know, beware of the cock.

Yes, I know it is been a while since I posted, but the Christmas break doesn't tend to produce any crazy activities worthy of posting about unless you want to hear about playing football or being snatched in by Gamblor's neon claws. The only Christmas break event that produced some good material was New Years, and I just got the pics from that. Expect those to be posted this evening. Until then, enjoy your first day of the spring semester("the one without football") and read why keeping your voicemail password the same as your phone number is a bad idea.

Well it's only been 2 hours since school has been in session this semester and already I'm upset. Somehow I always forget to bring my tar and feathers to the first day of class to throw on the retard circus clowns that are on every corner, sidewalk, and building entrance of the entire campus handing you some piece of shit paper that ends up in the gutter and clogging the drains and sewage system of the campus for the rest of the semester. I know that we rant about this every semester, but damn they piss me off. I wonder if they know that they are the most hated group of freaks for the first week of class. And to top it off, they are usually some weird looking hippy with shagged-out hair that in one of their LSD and downers mix they shot up and overdosed on last week saw Jesus standing on a tree branch next to them as they lay passed out in a "drug whole" in the gutter. After this psychedelic talk and journey with Christ (similar to Homer’s hallucinatory spiritual journey from chief’s import chili peppers) this hippy has been inspired to tell the entire campus about how great God is via a piece of bright orange or green paper. I wonder how cheap I can get tar for? I’d go get some except all the stores are probably already sold out from other students’ preparation for a similar engagement.

Since we all probably have a lot of time to kill on campus now, here’s an imported drunken story to keep you busy.

Today I found out that one of my two classes is on a Texas+ schedule. Basically what that means is that you have class twice a week for 2 hours (rather than 1.5) and you get 3 weeks off for spring break. That works out perfect with my plan to try to go on three spring break trips this year.

Didn't we used to have a webmaster that posted from A&M once in a while? Or have I just ate too many chili peppers today?

Give your heart to your country and your eye to the flag. You guessed it...Tamut.com is going to New York! I want to thank everyone who voted for me as Male Model of the Year. WE WON! Thanks to the superior styling of Rose Moore and your votes; Matt, Rose, Megan (Rose's Friend), and I are all going to New York. We will be there four days. Included in our trip is airfare, accomodations at the Marriot Marquee Hotel, tours of MTV headquarters and makeovers by MTV's head stylist, tours of Seventeen Magazine offices and an article in Seventeen Magazine, $2500, and of course limo transportation througout the city. So, watch out New York City! 'Cause here we come!

I’ve talked to many a person and most didn’t seem to have a crazy good time. That was certainly not the case for us. To start with, we had our VIP stash of liquor pictured below. Then at about 11 we packed up the posse and headed down to a crazy party in south Austin. We stayed there for a few hours; long enough to see plenty of champaign dousing, drunken fun, and ever entertaining chick fight. Then came back to my place for more drinking and such. Click here to see all the pictures of the night.

Oh yea, did I mention that I’m going to New York, New York with Jon. He won that contest he posted about below and so we get a free trip. I’ll let him post about it if he wants.

Did you know that ambulances and fire trucks shoot out laser-band waves to switch stop lights to their direction. What I want to do is get a laser gun (like the cops have) and have it on all the time so that I never have to stop at a light again. Damn that’d be sweet.