Jokes Archive #8

Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: YOu may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. INstead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. PLaces where there is danceing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tamperature is warm enough to introduce my duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

Fair Play

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Captain Bravado...

Long ago, there lived an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship and, without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

Love them Texas Gals

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from... bitch?"

Pharmacist and Condoms

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

The Cowboy Way

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standingside-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up quickly, wet his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the Texas A&M University and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door he said, "I graduated from Lamar University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

I Want to Open a Damn Checking Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the manager and told him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Shenequa

A pregnant woman walked into a doctor's office to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her that she is going to have a little girl. He then asked her what she will name her daughter.

She said, 'Shenequa.'

He asked her, 'Do you have any other children?'

She said, 'Five other daughters, and their names are also Shenequa.

At that point the doctor asked, 'How do you call them all home for dinner?'

She replied, 'That's easy I just yell, 'Shenequa, supper!' and they all come home.'

He then asked, 'What if your going somewhere?'

She said, 'That's easy too, I just say 'Shenequa lets go!' and they all come running.'

He questioned her again, 'What if you only want to speak with one of them?'

'Well then I just call them by their last name.'

Country Doctors

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of his baby brother. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place," he said; Spank him again!"

If Rednecks Ran Microsoft

It could only get better if'n Rednecks ran Microsoft:
Their #1 product would be "Mikersoft Winders."

Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.

Occasionally, you would bring up a winder (window) that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!," "Naw", or "Git."

Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be dueling banjos.

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.

Instead of "Start Me Up," the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart."

Power Point would be called "ParPawnt."

The Winders 95 logo would incorporate the confederate flag.

Instead of "VP," Mikersoft big shots would be called "Cuz."

Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

"Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire."

Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.

Mikersoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

Internet addresses would begin with "dubya, dubya, dubya."

When your software goes down, you would no longer receive the message "A fatal exception has occurred," but rather "You gone and done it now."