Jokes Archive #7

Top 10 Signs of Job Burn-Out

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the number one sign that you are burned out because of work...
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Tips for Managers and Bosses

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace

1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

3. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

8. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

12. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." "Hey Bucko, are we meeting later?"etc...

14. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.. or 2:37 p.m., or 10:16 a.m..

16. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

17. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

18. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

20. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

21. Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

23. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

24. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office,and talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when she/he leaves.

25. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave to get a coffee.

26. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

27. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

28. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

29. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your day timer.

30. "Hi-lite" your shoes and tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

34. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." or "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

35. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

37. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

38. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.

39. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

40. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

41. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

42. Put a sign on the copier that says, "Voice Activated! Speak loudly into the panel."

Thank God It's NOT Friday

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No...."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Quick Thinking

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90 MPH, then 100 MPH, then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

If Bill Gates made automobiles....

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And . . .

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

Ball Size

READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD TO:
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Colleges in Texas

The University of Texas
I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purpleMohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexuallover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I am open minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stoodup. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious.
I am a Longhorn.

Texas A&M University
I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's butt. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone in my battalion. I beat up faggots for fun. If I'm not yelling, drinking with my battalion, or beating up faggots for fun, I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to tu. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas from college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT, tu if I want.
I am an Aggie.

Baylor University
I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolestthing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can co-ordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned,and hung to death. I love me. I should be an underwear model.
For I am a BU Bear.

Texas Tech University
I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live so I trek to the strip, which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I don't go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything. Not even class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's ass points to College Station. I fry cow balls. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high.
I am a Red Raider.

The University of North Texas
Who Cares?.......Where is that anyway?

Texas Christian University (TCU)
I am in a frat or sorority, well of course. I drive a Lexus or Mercedes, and if I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I wear my diamonds and heels for football games and get dressed for bed and THEN go to the basketball games. Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub or Scooners,or to Longhorns and dance with old Mexican cowboys. We are having a J.Crew built in the book store next year and our send home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is four to one and the only one getting any action is the rapist. Where the girls are girls,and so are the guys.
I'm a Frog.

Southern Methodist University (SMU)
I am of course in a fraternity or sorority but I know a few guys who are not. They can't be bothered because boarding school up East was enough like a fraternity and they are much more concerned with "touring" with Phish or Widespread Panic. I really only hang out at the Green Elephant, but I never seem to get there before 1:00. I go to the football games but only because my sorority or fraternity makes me go to rush the freshmen and I will take as many flash photos as I can buy them all. It is a blinding mass of georgeous blondes wearing Prada and BCBG so I must also look my best. I'll dress in Harold's head to toe. Dad is a CEO, and I am pretty sure that most of my friends father's are also. Well some are lawyers now that I think about it. Speaking of Dad, I hope he buys me a new Land Cruiser because my BMW is getting pretty dated. People say that we think we are better than everyone else, just like the popular T-shirt said, "SMU: we are not snobs, we're just better than you."
I'm a Mustang.

See the listing for Texas Christian University above...change 'Hulen' to 'Mockingbird'.
I'm a Mustang.

Stephen F. Austin
I'm drunk or having sex right now. I went to class once. That about sums it up.
I am a Lumberjack.

The University of Houston
I work all day or all night. I attend school part-time. I'm trying to get a degree, any degree, to help get a decent job. I live with my parents, and spend as little time on campus as possible. Football games?? You mean we have a football team??? When I say my school is in an urban setting, I'm serious. In the shadows of the fourth largest city in the U.S., right in one of the most crime ridden Wards of the Bayou City. I hate Texas, A&M, and any other big school because they get a real degree. I wish I hadn't flunked out when I was attending a real school.
I'm a Cougar.

Southwest Texas State University (SWT)
I tried to get into a real school, but couldn't. I spend most weekends tubing down the river in New Braunsfels drunk and/or high and naked, or getting drunk and acting like an idiot in Lukenbach.
I'm a Bobcat.

Sam Houston State University (SHSU)
I am a bigtime band nerd. My favorite hobby is playing with my instrument. There are no attractive people at my school because we're all band geeks. I'm studying music so that I can become a licensed band geek leader and warp the minds of future generations. Who the hell spells cat with a 'k'? We do.
I'm a Bearkat. What the hell is a Bearkat, anyway?

Tarleton State University
I am a roper ("kicker"). My life revolves around bovines and sheep, and I like studying "animal husbandry", if you know what I mean. I either wear Wranglers or Rockies. I have a belt buckle the size of a dinner plate. My favorite beer is Coors Lite. I have a gun rack in the back of my pickup, and all my friends call me 'Bubba' or 'JimBob'. We're part of the A&M family... barely.
I am a Texan.

East Texas State
Who cares? Does anybody go there? Isn't that like a community college?

Austin College
Man, am I the quintessential geek. I like playing Dungeons and Dragons, reading fantasy novels, and Magic: The Gathering. I played in the high school orchestra. I live in one of the biggest cesspools in Texas. My favorite activites are watching my Chia Pet, playing N64, talking with my friends about dead languages, sleeping with people like me, and pretending that my school is the bestin Texas.
I am a Kangaroo.

Great Thinkers of Our Time

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
---Mariah Carey

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle

11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
---A Congressional Candidate in Texas

12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
---Former U S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
---General William Westmoreland

And last but not least-a parting word from Dan Quayle:
14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Hebrew

A team of archaeologists excavating in Israel came upon a cave. Written across the cave wall were the following symbols, in this order of appearance. From left to right...

A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. It was considered a unique find, and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society summarized findings and pointed at the first symbol. "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey;so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Finally, a wizened little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, 'Holy mackerel! Dig the ass on that woman!