Jokes Archive #6

Curious Indian Child

A Native American boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," she replied.

"Why is my sister's name Cornflower?" he asked.

"Well, your father and I were in a corn field when we made her," the mother replied.

"And why is my other sister named Moonchild?" he asked.

"We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived," she replied. "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Oh Say Can You See?

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from the US. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well - the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."
Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.
The fellow from the US was married to an enlightened woman from Texas. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well - the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Dr. Seuss Explains Computers

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot it and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, your system's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, when you have to flash your memory and try to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to call your mom.

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work

1.It's an incentive to show up.
2.It reduces stress.
3.It leads to more honest communications.
4.It reduces complaints about low pay.
5.It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6.Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7.It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8.It encourages carpooling.
9.Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10.It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11.It makes fellow employees look better.
12.It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13.Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14.Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15.Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17.It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18.Everyone agrees the work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19.Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20.Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21.It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22.The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23.Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24.Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25.Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refridgerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

The Top 14 Rejected Slogans for Beer

14.Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years
13.Goes Down Cold, Comes Up Smooth!
12.A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self
11.Because You're Sober
10.Tastes like piss, but you'll drink it anyway
9.Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'!
8.You have to fill your bladder with something.
7.Don't Make Germany Angry. You Wouldn't Like Germany When It's Angry.
6.We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster.
5.Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You
4.It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper!
3.Easier to Spell than Whiskey
2.The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid

and the Number 1 Rejected Slogan for Beer...
Beer: It's how you got here.

Alcohol Warning!

Alcohol Warning Labels - If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with others without spitting.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Three Truths in Life

1. Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Cute Viruses

THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus....
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus....
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through windows)

Cucumber

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of having sex, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a cucumber. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years.

You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the cucumber if you can explain our three kids."