Jokes Archive #5

Rednecks and Poetry

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
       ------------------------------
       Slowly across the desert sand,
       Trekked the dusty caravan.
       Men on camels, two by two
       Destination-Timbuktu.
       ------------------------------
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
       ------------------------------
       Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
       Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
       They was three, we was two,
       So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Old Couple

An older couple goes to a doctor's office and ask him to watch them have sex. Although he considers it a rather bizarre request, the doctor agrees and watches them have sex.
After it was over, the doctor tells them he noted nothing abnormal. The couple thanked him while dressing and paid the receptionist for the visit. Every week for three weeks, the couple returned with the same request, which the doctor obliged. However, by the last visit, the doctor asked the couple what the deal was. The old man explained, "Well, my kids still live at my place so we can't go there. She has grandchildren at her place so we can't go there. A hotel room costs $40 and you only charge us $35 -- and Medicare picks up 80 percent of that."

Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts out, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"So what color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Husband and Wife

A man returns home from work early one day and enters through the kitchen door. He sees his wife on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor. She only has an apron on, the husband gets excited, so he sneaks up behind her and starts humping his wife doggy style. When he's through, he pulls out and at the same time hits her real hard upside her head. 'What was that?' the wife screamed. 'Here I am being so nice to you, and letting you really enjoy yourself. What did you hit me for?' The husband looks at her and angrily says, 'For not looking back to see who it was!'

Rabbi Subbing for a Priest

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

Airplane

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper.

From 1970-200

1970: Long Hair.
2000: Longing for hair.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Defy the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to cut your hair.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash.
11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).
13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.
14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.
9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.
10. Wash your rear end.
11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.
14. Pee.
15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.
8. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus

You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof. Miller

In class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by

Rebecca & Gary:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.