Jokes Archive #4

Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Life of the Party

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened last night?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

Kids Tell It Like It Is

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, age 9


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
* Ricky, age 10

Husdands and Healthcare
How does a typical husband respond when his wife comes down with a cold?

In the first year of marriage: "Sugar Dumpling, I'm really worried about my baby girl. You've got a bad sniffle, and there's no telling about these things with all the terrible viruses that are going around these days. I'm taking you to the hospital, Dear, where I've reserved a private room for you. I know the food's lousy, so I'll be bringing your meals in from Rozzini's. I've already made all the arrangements with the floor superintendent."

Second year of marriage: "Listen, Darling, I don't like the sound of that cough and I've called the doctor to rush right over. Now you go to bed like a good girl, and I'll take care of everything."

Third year: "Maybe you'd better lie down, Honey. Nothing like a little rest when you're feeling lousy. I'll bring you something. Do we have any canned soup?"

Fourth year: "Now look, Dear, be sensible. After you feed the kids, do the dishes, and mop the floor, you'd better get some rest."

Fifth year: "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

Sixth year: "If you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting around barking like a seal all night..."

Seventh year: "For Pete's sake, stop that sneezing! What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia?"

Killing the Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. 'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'
His mother fainted.

Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped, unexpectedly, by the house of the recently married couple.

She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing," the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.

"Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

"LOVE DRESS! You are n-a-k-e-d," said the mother-in-law.

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law.

"I would appreciate you leaving now because he will be home any minute," continued the daughter-in-law.

Intrigued by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

"What are you doing," he asked.

"This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied.

"Needs ironing," he replied.

Politics

This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way...I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the 'Government'. We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And, your baby brother...we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled this diaper...big time! The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me, in your own words, what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing The Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and The Future is in Deep Shit."

Worms

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:
First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Moral of this story???
As long as you drink, smoke, and screw, you won't get worms.

Football Comparison

WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES
North: Chapstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water-proof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE
North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

FATHERS
North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE
North: Male and female alike: wooly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
South: Male - pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo.
Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots.

ALUMNI
North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave for NFL before their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
North: Statues of founding fathers.
South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
North: Also a physics major.
South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES
North: Mario Cuomo
South: Paul "Bear" Bryant

GETTING TICKETS
North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
South: 5 months before the game walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
North: Students and teacher are not sure if they are going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class.

PARKING
North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING
North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and the Blowfish," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
North: You ask "Where's the stadium?". When you find it, you walk right in.
South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it. Filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
North: Nothing changes.
South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
North: "Nice play."
South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs !!"

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
North: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs !!"

ANNOUNCERS
North: Neutral and paid.
South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

AFTER THE GAME
North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.

The Green Shit Behind the Bar
A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of that green shit you have over there."

The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."

The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older son's gay."

The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green shit.

The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four shots of that green shit from last night."

The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?"

The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."

The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green shit.

Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight shots of that green shit."

The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."

The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."

The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"

The man said, "Yeah, my wife."