Jokes Archive #3

Cheating

It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a real funny angle. I think she may be dead."

"Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit his head on the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead, too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? We don't have a pool? Is this 854-7039?"

Political Point of View

Please join us in supporting the Republican National Committee's nomination of George W. Bush and Dick Chenney as candidates for President and Vice-President of the United States. From this day forward all of our efforts will be focused on the "Bush and Dick" campaign. Joining our campaign as national spokespersons are Ellen Degeneris who said publicly, "I like Bush" and Elton John who said publicly, "I like Dick". Also supporting the cause is Angelina Jolie who said publicly, "I like both Bush and Dick". If you wish to see a lot of Bush and Dick, proudly display your "Support Bush and Dick" stickers. Democrats, proudly display your "Lick Bush and Dick" stickers.

Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

When Santa runs out of Prozac...

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a damn book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell.

Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa
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Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year.

Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa
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Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.

Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my freaking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."

Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know.

Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house.

Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.

Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams.

Santa

Mouse problems? Replace the ball
Mouse balls are now available for replacement. Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

The New Barbie Line
Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.

These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

More Flowers...(true story)
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business sight and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace." The owner was very angry, to say the least, and called to complain." Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

Religious Philosophies in a Nutshell

Why It's Great to Be A Guy
1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds

2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes

3. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase

4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

5. You can open all your own jars

6. Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight

7. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

8. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go

9. Your last name stays put

10. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

11. You can kill your own food

12. The garage is all yours

13. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

14. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"

15. Cleaning the toilet is optional

16. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

17. Wedding plans take care of themselves

18. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend

19. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3

20. None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry

21. You don't have to shave below your neck

22. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night

23. If you're 34 and single, no one notices

24. Chocolate is just another snack

25. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat

26. Flowers and/or duct tape fix everything

27. You never have to worry about others' feelings

28. Three pair of shoes are more than enough

29. You can say anything and not worry about what people think

30. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

31. Car mechanics tell you the truth

32. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut

33. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"

34. One mood, all the time

35. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him

36. Gray hair and wrinkles add character

37. Wedding dress: $2000, Tux rental: $100 bucks

38. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

39. You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's

40. The remote is yours and yours alone

41. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom

42. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed

43. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies

44. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

45. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room

46. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

47. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny

48. If you retain water, it is in a canteen

Why Guys Stand to Pee
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in is bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while peeing. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand or snow. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. Adam was happy and celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms..."