Jokes Archive #20

The Male Code of Conduct

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and beaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game, and more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem- you didn't see anything.

14. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may be flatulent in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

20. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"

"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"

"Another set and we can hit the showers."

"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

22. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

23. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

24. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F@ck OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

the 12th pyro: 25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Greeting Cards that Hallmark Doesn't Print

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder?
What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love. After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

7. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

8. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

9. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... would you like to take this knife
out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

10. Someday I hope to get married ..
but not to you.

11. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

12. When we were together, you always
said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

13. We have been friends for a very long time...
what say we stop?

14. I'm so miserable without you ...
it's almost like you're here.

15. Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

16. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)

Humorous Security Announcement

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been four suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open is mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

Hot Air

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

How to Explain Enron to Your Children

Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Bush and Putin

Russian President Putin called President George W.Bush with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control......this is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms, ASAP, to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 inches long and 4 inches in diameter?" asked Putin.

"No problem," replied the President. With that, George W.hung up the phone and then called the President of the Acme Condom Company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms over to Russia right away."

"Consider it done," said the CEO of Acme.

"Great! Now listen. They have to be red in color, 10 inches long, and 4 inches in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said Bush. "On each one print the words MADE IN TEXAS, SIZE:"SMALL".

Mike Tyson's Parole

As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish the fifth grade. This is Mike's Ebonics homework assignment: use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.

11. Iraq - When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you break."

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped my and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say, "fortify".

14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.

Live TV is Still the Best

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

True story... they had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Scientific Study

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.