Jokes Archive #18

Things You Must Know to Survive in Austin

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is AWE-STUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own traffic rules. There's no book about them. You've just got to get in your car and hope you survive long enough to learn them.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Mopac... cause you don't want to get on 35."

4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end.

5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive."

6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of the yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue.

8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your "Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says, "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.

9. Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1 and Research IS 183. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease; ditto for daylight savings time, a girl walking down the sidewalk across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South by Southwest.

11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.

13. Stay away from the Congress bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie (an no, those aren't birds).

14. And yes we all know that's a man in a teddy and tiara on a bike downtown. It's Leslie, and he probably makes more money than you do.

You are What you Drink

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

The Booty Call Agreement

This Booty Call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into as of the _____ day of__________, 2001, by and between _________________ and __________________.

***** THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - UNLESS IT IS VERY GOOD AND WE NEED TO REPEAT IT IN THE MORNING.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9pm. (we don't have anything to talk about)

4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff--strictly mind-blowing sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions...(ex. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? - Hell no- so don't ask stupid questions.)

6. No plans made in advance ... that is why you are called the "backup" unless you are from out of town-then its only a one tim advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted. (money and diamonds are always good)

8. No baby talk. (however, dirty talk is encouraged)

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers. (its really none of your damn business)

10. No kissing. (too intimate, except to other body parts)

11. No calling each other "friends with benefits". (we are not friends just sex buddies)

12. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK. (don't be offended)

13. No extra clothing. (I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave)

14. No falling asleep right after sex. (get your ass up and go home)

15. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it. (I don't care)

16. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

17. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be, "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend".

18. Doggie style preferred. (just hit it hard and right or get the hell out)

19. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. (Don't want to look at your ass - just want to have sex with you)

20. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME. (so don't keep calling damn it)

21. The most important one - (NO CONDOMS-NO SEX)

22. Bring your own drink. (I am not your liquor store)

23. No phone usage please (don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass)

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, this Agreement will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. You will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating Party Signature:
_______________________________________
Date:
________________
Participating Party Signature:
_______________________________________
Date:
__________________________

Ten Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the frikken ceiling up there.

7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!

Hangover Rating

1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76.

5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning....You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead...... that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.

Top Ten Times in History...when using the "F" word was appropriate...

10)"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima

9)"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
- Custer

8)"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Einstein

7)"It does SO fucking look like her!"
- Picasso

6)"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras

5)"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo

4)"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."
- Joan of Arc

3)"Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"
- Noah

2)"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"
-JFK

The number 1 Times in History...when using the "F" word was appropriate

1)"Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton

Top Ten Signs That You're Suffering Semester Burnout

10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"

8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."

7.You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.

4. You sleep more in class than at home.

3. You leave for! a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.

2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

College Habits to Bring Home

1.Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.

2.Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

3.Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

4.Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

5.Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

6.Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

7.Use your calling card when calling your friends.

8.Walk to the post office to get your mail.

9.Yell "FLUSH!"

10.Jump out o! f the shower just in case someone does flush.

11.Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

12.Take all your shower items to and from your room.

13.Get dressed in the dark.

14.Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.

15.Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

16.Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

17.Order pizza every Friday night.

18.Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself.

19.Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.

20.Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.

21.Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go out.

22.Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail withdrawal).

23.Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house..

The Bell Curve of Life

At age 4 ...success is.... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 ...success is.... having friends.
At age 16 ...success is.... having a drivers license.
At age 20 ...success is.... having sex.
At age 35 ...success is.... having money.
At age 55 ...success is.... having money.
At age 60 ...success is.... having sex.
At age 70 ...success is.... having a drivers license.
At age 75 ...success is.... having friends.
At age 80 ...success is.... not peeing in your pants.

Surviror, Texas Style

"Survivor 2" has just started this week. In response, Texas is planning a show titled "Survivor, Texas Style". The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, down to Houston and Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, up to Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns". The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.