Jokes Archive #17

Dick and George

He and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?"

She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.

Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'

Buffalo Theory

I know all of you have read or heard this wisdom before, but I have not heard anyone explain it as well as the all mighty wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Dallas Brag Story

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby... all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have a Prowler, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman a beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis! Just send the bottle back.

Romantic Vacation

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get cold?"

The Truth About Women

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't.
There's a clock on the stove.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog...he shuts up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested!

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Blonde Joke

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

Tongue Twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts I've ever seen was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburg, 'I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburg'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, Self-centered, fat-assed bitch!'"

Pick Up Lines That May Get You Killed

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
11. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button . . .from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U + I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat!

Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

Woman's Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
In the snow.....+8
But return with beer.....-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her pet.....-10

Social Engagements:
Party:
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-6
Tiffany has implants.....-80

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal.....-5
The pal is happily married.....-4
Or frighteningly single.....-7
And he drives a Mustang.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).....-15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death 3.....-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly.....-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans And baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-8000

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?".....-1(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
Any other response.....-20