Jokes Archive #16

Top 10 Things Men Would Do If They Woke Up With a Vagina for a Day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini & cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a Ping-Pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

AND the NUMBER ONE thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top 10 Things a Woman Would Do If They Woke Up With a Penis for a Day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

AND, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do is:
1. Repeat number 9

There's No Santa

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the "there's no tooth fairy" speech. At 7, I got the "there's no Easter Bunny" speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the "there's no Santa" speech.

IF you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Santa's a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.

Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not Santa!!!!
Ho HO HO

Why the Angel Goes on Top of the Tree

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great bit Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Penis Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
  1. I do physical labour.
  2. I work in great depths.
  3. I have to go in head first.
  4. I do not get days off, weekends or public holidays.
  5. I work in a damp environment.
  6. I work in high temperatures.
  7. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Response from Management:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for a raise based on the following criteria:
  1. You never work 8 hours straight.
  2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
  3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
  4. You do not stay in your workstation area, often you visit other areas.
  5. You take many non-scheduled breaks.
  6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order for you to begin your work.
  7. You leave your workstation messy after your shift.
  8. You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.   9. You don't wait till pension before retiring.
  10. You don't like to work double shifts.
  11. You have been observed entering and leaving the work place carrying two suspicious bags.

Fireman

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"

The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck. The fireman walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fireman says with admiration.

"Thanks mister," the boy says.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fireman says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy replied, "You're probably right, mister, but if I did, then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Tech Support

A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asker her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "NO, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine."

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: "Can you copy the internet for me onto this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: "Hi... Is this the internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to "The Internet."

Customer: "So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh...yeah."

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: Click on "File", then "New Game".
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

The Happy Wife

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old."

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up, " she replied.