Jokes Archive #15

New Phone Company

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux went out in the gulf shrimping. They were gone a couple of months and on their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built. Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux, "Look at dat! we not gone no time and dem damn Mexicans done come over here & built a telephone company!"

Prostitute Parrots

A woman walks up to her priest and tells him...

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that only know how to say "Hi...we're female prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That is terrible," the priest exclaimed . "I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

The next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say...

"Hi....We're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims...

"Put the beads away....our prayers have been answered."

Letter from Santa

Ho Ho Ho,

Hello out there all people of the world.

This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year.

See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.

The first result showed:
428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad

The second result showed:
428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad

So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.

So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant.

You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.

So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times,

Santa

The Three Worst Torture Tests Known to Man

A starving man has been walking through the woods for days. He has no food, and no shelter. As he is walking he comes upon an old house. Glad to finally see some civilization he runs to the door and raps on it loudly. An old man answers. The starving man asks the old man if he will give him shelter and food for the night. Saying that he will be gone in the morning. The old man agrees, saying that he can stay on one condition only. He must not go any where near his granddaughter. If he does, he will regret it greatly. The starving man agrees...after all, what kind of girl would live so far out in the woods?

That night at the supper table the man and the granddaughter can't keep their eyes off each other. They decide to meet up later on. And when they do, it's like nothing either of them have ever experienced before.

The next morning the man suddenly wakes up in his own room because he feels a heavy weight on his chest. He looks down and see's a rock sitting there. On it, it says "First Worst Torture Test Known to Man--Rock on Chest." The man laughs and thinks, is this all? This is going to be easy. So he gets out of bed, and throws the rock out the window. As the rock is hurtling toward the ground below he notice's another note stuck to the other side of the rock it reads "Second Worst Torture Test Known to Man--Rock Tied to Left Testicle." In a panic the man tries to reach for the rock, realizing that it is too far out the window to catch, he decides to jump out after it. On his way down, the man see's a third note taped to the side of the building, it reads "Third Worst Torture Test Known to Man--Right Testicle tied to bedpost."

The Flight

Three old black ladies were sitting in the plane about to take their first flight across the ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know about ya'll, but I wore me some hot pink underwear for dis flight."

"Why'd you do dat?" the third lady asked.

The first replied, "Because, if dis plane is gonna crash and I'm out there laying butt-up in the water, dey gonna see my ass first and rescue me."

The second lady says, "That's funny, I also wore me some fluorescent orange underwear."

"Why'd you do dat?" the third lady asked.

The second lady answered, "Because if dis here plane is gonna crash and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey gonna see my ass and rescue me."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not wearing any underwear."

"What? No underwear?!" the other two said in disbelief.

"Dat's right - you heard me. I'm not wearing any underwear," she said, "because if dis plane crashes, dey always look for dat black box first."

Blowjob Etiquette - Woman's Views

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is in appropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

Blowjob Etiquette - Man's Reply to Woman's Views

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any(meaning your teeth).

6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterward.

7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

11. Play with the balls.

12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

16. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay.

De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus,
And all ower da hood,
Ereybody wuz' sleepin'
Dey wuz sleepin' good

We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck,
That old Santa Clause
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds,
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out onna' flo
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe,
'Spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo' sho.

And what did I see?
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge wadda mellon
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all deese years,
Sanna Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bro's
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car
Mah home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo,
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa,
Dey wuz a dam site to see!!

As he landed dat wadda mellon
Out dere in da skreet,
I knowed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley,
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself,
"Sheeit!! He done dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag,
Full of prezents I 'spect;
Wit Air Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun' mah neck.

But he left no good prezents,
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even mah burglar kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag,
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him,
But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda mellon
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon',
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause,
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
everyone felt shitty even the mouse.

Mom at the Whore house dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.

Then upon the roof came the smell of deer shit
I knew in a heart beat it was Saint Nick.

He dropped down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew from the cursing the fat fucker fell!

He stuffed our stockings full of pretzel and beer
and a big rubber dick for Eric the queer.

He shot up the chimney with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
PISS ON YOU ALL AND HAVE A HELL OF A NIGHT!

Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and, as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question... "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."