Jokes Archive #13

Al Gore - "The Man"

I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat. My mother taught me the value of education, so every day, I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn."

After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae." When word got out what an 18-year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained Harvard's football team to four consecutive national championships, and won the Heisman Trophy.

But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U.S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Navy Cross and the Croix de Guerre. When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere.

And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington." I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business - building the World Trade Center, founding the United Nations, doing the clinical research that found the cure for cancer, and writing Shakespeare's plays.

Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no personal reason at all, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States. Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, "Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?"

During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern. So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice-words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me."

Exciting Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When it was time to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Grab My Breasts

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, went to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can help her. She explains that she would like a refund because the toaster she bought doesn't work. He replies by telling her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The store manager says to her "why are you saying that?" The woman replies "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed"

Titles of Rejected Children's Books

1. You are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife 'Greg'
4. Fun four-letter Words to know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It Book:
6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. You were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster. And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31. Making grown-up Friends On The Internet
32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
33. You Can't Help It If You're Stupid
34. Patty Went Splat! (Don't YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
35. Bullies Deserve To Die
36. Mommy's Got A New Baby To Love
37. Timmy's The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You're Not A Sissy

Think About It...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short." What ????? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What could you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, knobhead?

10. When people say "it's neither here, nor there..". What??? Think about what your saying doofus... If it exists at all then it HAS to be either here or there, doesn't it?!?! Eh, Einstein??

A&M/OU Controversy

The outcome of Saturday's game between A&M and Oklahoma is being contested because of the closeness of the final score. There is a move to demand a recount of the final score. It was obvious to all that the Aggies won the popular vote. Also, there may be some Aggies who were not able to attend the game who wish to vote absentee. As the game was played in Texas, no absentee votes from outside the state will be admitted.

There were some officiating decisions that may have been questionable. These plays should be thrown out. Furthermore, these calls could have adversely affected further play calls making said plays suspect. No doubt the A&M coaching staff may have made inadvertently made some wrong play calls. These plays should be allowed to be replayed. If the Oklahoma team can not play these over by Tuesday, they also should be thrown out.

Finally, R.C. Slocum was not given equal time to come out on the field and complain about officials calls or lack thereof. Given equal time, he might have also had more motivating power with his players. Where are you, Jesse Jackson?

Old Lady

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding.

Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there.

Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over,gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up andsays, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

What Not To Say To A Police Officer!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

World's Thinnest Books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

Quoth the Heisman

Once upon a midnight dreary
While the Crew rested, victorious and weary
There came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping
Rapping at Kyle Field's door.
" 'T is a Heisman hopeful," Hankwitz muttered.
Tapping at Kyle Field's door.
-Only Josh Heupel and nothing more.

Distinctly I remember, 1990 in December
Another Heisman hopeful for the Crew to dismember.
A crying Detmer mother in the stands; ESPN and many Aggie fans
Two dislocated shoulders and a 65-14 bore
Still the most bowl points a team could score.
-Twas Ty Detmer and nothing more.

The media marveled at a man named Bo
#16 ranked Auburn's Heisman bro.
In the Cotton Bowl the Crew stood tall
4 downs later it was the Aggies' ball.
A goal line stand for the world to adore
A Jackie coming-out party as the Aggies roar.
-Twas Bo Jackson and nothing more.

Then Mr. Brown came beguiling
With many Irish eyes a-smiling.
His Heisman trophy aloft in the air,
As was his towel after an Aggie dare.
A 35-10 victory on the Cotton Bowl floor
And Wrecking Crew dominance for many years more.
-Twas Tim Brown and nothing more.

Then came Houston's QB Ware
Running and shooting thru humid air.
He won the Heisman while at Cougar High,
But the Crew took off his helmet and made him cry.
Another conference championship in Aggie lore
And another Heisman winner shown the door.
-Twas Andre Ware and nothing more.

To Kyle Field comes a Sooner Nation
With a Big 12 South ring expectation.
Last year's loss the Wrecking Crew must avenge
And the Aggie offense must prepare for revenge.
Will Heupel audible without chore?
Will #1 OU have a Heisman in store?
-Quoth the 12th Man "Nevermore."