Jokes Archive #12

Men vs. Women

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."

Blind Date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went.

Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed, "she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

Pickup Lines

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

Is that a keg in your pants? Because I would love to tap that ass!!

I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute."

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What, you don't like pizza?

I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

Traffic Jam

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh, really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning".

Three Men and Their Stupid Wives

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

How to Say I Love You

English...........................................I Love You
Spanish......................................... Te Amo
French.......................................... Je T'aime
German......................................... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese....................................... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............................................ Ti Amo
Chinese........................................ Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........................................ Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Florida, Georgia,
Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia,
Virginia, and Kentucky............... Nice Tits

Amish Virus

You have just received the Amish virus. Because we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

    Thank you for your cooperation.
    The Amish Computer Engineering Department

I am a College Student

I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT... I live in a 2 x 2ft cinderblocked prison with no windows. My roommate has sex while I am in the room.

I am a college student... I have gained 15 pounds or more since August... most of that is BudLight, my best friend.

I am a college student... I got more ass in the first two weeks of school than in my entire life combined. Now I get less than ever.... I do the "walk of shame," leaving his/her room at 7:00am in the same clothes I was in the night before.

I am a college student... I drink Beast from a keg and Busch Light from a can.

I will walk in the cold, dark, and snow for beer, but refuse to go to class in the same weather.

I am a college student... If I am female, I wear a pea coat, black bootleg pants and platform shoes and have been molested by more than one frat guy on the dance floor.

I am a college student... I have a 2.1 GPA. I have Mono, but don't sleep except during my classes.

I am a college student... I have forgotten what privacy is. I never make my 8:00 class and have hooked up with every guy/girl in my dorm.

I am a college student... I drink more vodka than water, and savior is the toliet. I black out for extended periods of time several nights a week.

I am a college student.... My friends tell me the next day about the strip tease I did at the party the night before that I can't remember.

I think of coffee, cheetos and Ramen Noodles as being a complete meal.

I am a college student... I forgot about the love-of-my-life-boyfriend/girlfriend at home, as soon as I stepped foot on campus. I go to bed at 2 and get up at 11 everyday. I promise myself everyday that tomorrow I will get up and go to that class that I somehow keep sleeping through.

I am a college student... My computer is used for two purposes...AOL Instant Messenger and MP3Napster. I have gotten in a fight with at least one person in my dorm and we hate each other now.

I am a college student... I think nothing of going to bed at 3:30 on Wacky Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Fuck up Friday, and getting up at 8:00 still drunk and go to class.

I am a college student...Hear me roar!!!

College Jokes

(1) What does the average Texas Tech player get on his SAT's?
---Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?
---A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a University of North Texas cheerleader into your dorm room?
---Grease her hips and push like hell.

(4) How do you get an Incarnate Word graduate off your porch?
---Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the University of Oklahoma cheerleaders wear bibs?
---To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why is the Baylor football team like a possum?
---Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

(7) Why did Kansas State replace natural grass with Astroturf?
---To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

(8) How many Southwest Texas State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
---None.....That's a sophomore course at SWT.

(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
---Lubbock, TX ...He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

(10) Why did O.J. want to move to Blacksburg, VA?
---Everyone there has the same DNA

Bill Gates in Purgatory

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver."