February 2001

02/01/01 Download

I'm going to regale everyone with my anecdote. You know, the one I tried to say on the radio? Heh, heh. Who's going to "bleep" me this time?

02/02/01 Download

Ooh, you like sweets, kids? I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself. In this sweet place, earthly donuts are sour as poison -- you'd spit them out, you would! I'm talking about...the Candy Industry Trade Show! Hee hee.

02/03/01 Download

Marge: Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
Homer: They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in a hollowed-out wheelchair!

02/04/01 Download

Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey -- that's a half-truth!

02/05/01 Download

Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

02/06/01 Download

I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

02/07/01 Download

Hey, could you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once.

02/08/01 Download

Marge, I swear I didn't touch her. You know how bashful I am -- I can't even say the word "titmouse" without giggling like a schoolgirl.

02/09/01 Download

It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean- emotionally, it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist.

02/10/01 Download

What!? And violate the code of the schoolyard!? I'd rather Bart die!

02/11/01 Download

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

02/12/01 Download

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

02/13/01 Download

So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eye! And then you sock him when he staggers around blinded!

02/14/01 Download

And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

02/15/01 Download

And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.

02/16/01 Download

Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighborinos!
Homer: Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell.

02/17/01 Download

Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

02/18/01 Download

I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.

02/19/01 Download

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

02/20/01 Download

Son, we're in this mess together. No matter how tempting it might be, I can't let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob.

02/21/01 Download

I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

02/22/01 Download

Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

02/23/01 Download

Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

02/24/01 Download

Earth-to-Marge. Earth-to-Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.

02/25/01 Download

Lisa: He doesn't care, Mom.
Homer: Sure I do! I just want to have a beer while I'm caring.

02/26/01 Download

Bart: As God as my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

02/27/01 Download

Homer: Mmm.. Ooh.. Macamadamia nuts.
Girl: If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
Homer: Oh, so that's your little plan. Get us addicted, then jack up the price! Well, you win.

02/28/01 Download

Stop that, both of you. Grandpa smells like a regular, old man which is more like a hallway in a hospital.